It’s drummed into our heads from almost all corners now: green is good. While we’ll agree that sustainability and low-carbon living are admirable goals, however, there are some things that — no matter how green — just don’t make sense.

So what are these green oxymorons — the “jumbo shrimp” or “military intelligence” of the eco-world, if you will? Consider these:

A ‘sustainable’ iceberg hotel … in Dubai

Is it just us, or is the Arctic really the only logical place where an iceberg hotel can be considered sustainable? From that perspective, sticking a piece of frozen architecture under the blazing sun of the Middle East seems the antithesis of “green,” no matter how much solar energy you harness. But that’s the idea behind the Blue Crystal, a “swimming world of ice offshore Dubai” that would feature luxury restaurants, an underwater lounge and a five-level ballrooms, among other amenities. Did we mention it would have a “self-sufficient energy system”?

Pardon us for thinking this sounds like a concept straight from the Yes Men.

‘Green’ shopping malls

Never mind how appealing the design and eco-friendliness might be (see, for example, these plans for a 1-million-square-foot shopping mall in Kuala Lampur) … the whole idea behind the shopping mall — cheap plastic stuff from China, “As Seen on TV” consumer gadgets, all the latest fashions, etc. — is, admit it, an unsustainable one. Certainly, a growing number of once-middle-class consumers have come to that conclusion during this Great Recession.

The solar-powered car carrier

As described in Triple Pundit, this ocean-going vessel designed to ship cars from port to port has enough solar panels to generate as much as 40 kilowatts of energy. That’s obviously not enough to provide all the muscle the ship needs to complete a journey — just enough to offset some of the demand for fossil fuels and reduce emissions somewhat. The real problem, however, lies with the vessel’s ultimate purpose:  transporting hundreds, if not thousands, of gas-guzzlers to car buyers around the world. Something tells us it’s not carrying 100-per cent electric cars.

‘Green’ McMansions

Coming on the heels of the McMansion trend — itself now in its death throes — was the Green McMansion trend. And where better to view an example of this type of architecture than in Las Vegas, home to the “New American Home 2009,” with its 8.721 square feet (810 square meters) of space, swimming pool, wine cellar, fountains, courtyard waterfall and 10 high-definition televisions? Yes, it’s chock-full of photovoltaics, natural ventilation and Energy Star-rated appliance. But it’s an 8.721-square-foot house. In the desert. Really, how green can that ultimately be?

‘Green’ armies

The US Army, in particular, has expended lots of effort recently to boost its levels of sustainability and reduce its carbon footprint. One of its goals: to cut its carbon dioxide emissions by 3 per cent per annum between now and 2015. But the raison d’etre for a military in general seems to fly in the face of sustainability — especially the US military, with its 3 million-or-so personnel (counting reserve units), $711 billion in annual spending and 700-plus overseas bases in some 130 different nations.

Green oxymoron? As a certain former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate would say, “You betcha!”

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